"Keep Well, Keep Smiling": Nana’s "Secret" to happiness

Keep well, keep smiling.” That was how my “Nana Ruthie” signed every letter or note she penned to her family, friends, and business associates. As a positive psychology practitioner, or, more simply, a “happiness and wellbeing coach,” I’ve always wondered how my grandmother came to embrace such an encouraging and hopeful mindset.

My grandmother’s story is truly one of resilience, courage, and perseverance. And it’s also a good example of how to create a good life and focus on becoming happier whenever possible.

In Ruth’s 106+ years of living (believe it or not, the photo below was taken on her 100th birthday!), she endured many more difficult times than pleasurable ones. She grew up poor in Worcester, Massachusetts, and left home at the age of 16 to seek employment as a salesgirl, only to face an antisemitic society, repeated rejection and frustration. She eventually met and married my grandfather, who also kept losing his jobs when employers found out he too was Jewish. In order to make a living, Ruth changed her married surname to one that was more Anglicized. Despite their continuing financial struggles, and having to move around to different cities and apartments (often in the middle of the night) throughout Massachusetts to Pennsylvania to New York, my grandparents managed to raise three children, all while surviving the pandemic of 1918, living through two World Wars, as well as the Great Depression. 

“Nana Ruthie” on her 100th Birthday

Family lore has passed along the “secret” that Ruth was hospitalized for depression after repeated miscarriages, and had taken in the “love child” of her sister who became pregnant when her husband was away fighting in the war. Regardless of her parental responsibilities, Ruth always worked outside the home, and ultimately launched her own fashion buying office. She “went to business” everyday for many years, and her self-made success sustained her and my grandfather financially until they retired and moved to California in their mid 70’s. She ended up taking care of my grandfather who suffered from Parkinson’s disease, and survived the loss of two of her children and three of her grandchildren before she finally passed away at a ripe old age.

What I remember most vividly about my grandmother was her constant cheerfulness and positive attitude. Nothing seemed to faze her. She loved to sing and dance, especially to her favorite tunes that my grandfather played on his piano. She gave me fashion advice, and taught me to “cream my face upwards with Oil of Olay” to keep my skin smooth and supple like hers. She always moved ahead with purpose — quite literally at a “New Yorker’s pace” — to the point where even as a young adult I couldn’t keep up with her. In her retirement, she swam everyday, sat in the sauna, played Bridge (until all of the “old ladies” in her card game died), and ate strawberry ice cream after dinner.

Ruth never meditated or practiced yoga, had the opportunity to sit on a therapist’s couch, or to journal her thoughts and feelings, and she didn’t read self-help books. But she instinctively knew how to find happiness and focus on the good in her life, in spite of all of her setbacks, sacrifices, and struggles. She seemed to have been gifted with the “secret” of life — one that positive psychologists and happiness researchers have been discovering — to “keep well, keep smiling.”

Reassembling in 2021

 
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At the end of every year my friend Lisa asks her family and friends to pick a word to guide them through the new year ahead.* I usually have trouble settling on just one word. But this time, as I thought of 2021 one word came immediately and clearly to mind: REASSEMBLE.

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During 2020, as we began to face a global pandemic, we certainly became handicapped in our ability to assemble. In the blink of an eye, we gathered in small groups, socializing only with those living inside of our household. We were restricted in our ability to travel to see beloved friends and family members who live out of town. Our methods of connecting with work colleagues shifted online to technologically innovative platforms. Family celebrations (and unfortunately, also losses) were shared largely through FaceTime. We even had trouble collecting and putting together our thoughts and feelings, as we struggled to adapt to an uncertain future. 

Many of us satisfied our craving for assembly by putting together jigsaw puzzles. Or forming children’s education and play pods. Or combining ingredients from our fridge and pantry into gourmet meals or doughy and delicious baked goods. Still others demonstrated their right to assemble, taking to the streets, socially distanced, to raise their voices for social justice.

In the early months of 2020, before COVID-19 was widespread in the U.S., I created and delivered a TEDx talk about taking a compassionate approach to resilience. What I teach in that talk is that building resilience is not about getting tough or hardening ourselves up, but feeling the full range of positive as well as difficult emotions, and using all of our strengths in novel ways. The lesson learned here is that as we face new challenges, we are called to reassemble our wide range of strengths we all have within us, continually coming through adversity stronger than we were before. 

This year, I also learned that creativity does not necessarily mean producing something new or original. As Dr. Barbara Colombo’s research suggests, a mere shift in perspective, even just through rearranging the furniture in our living room and seeing our home differently, is a creative endeavor that improves our mood and increases our resilience. I believe that this principle holds for creating our best life as well: reassembling our strengths and using our best qualities to use them in positive ways.

So as we begin a new year, here are just some of the ways I look forward to reassembling in 2021, personally and professionally:

  • Visiting my 92-year old mother in her long-term care facility without fear of getting infected, or unknowingly transmitting the virus to her (and to hug her!)

  • Traveling with my husband to spend much needed family time with my son and his wife, and seeing their new house — and holding their new puppy (who will no longer be a puppy by the time we meet her)

  • Reconnecting with my friends and extended family, in my neighborhood and around the country, to share meals, stories, and laughs - together, (masked) face to (masked) face

  • Teaching an online course developmental psychology to students at Champlain College — which requires me to reassemble my professional and practical knowledge of human development, and learn new and creative ways of delivering content and engaging young people in Zoom rooms

  • Regrouping via Zoom with my positive education community and finding new ways to appreciate one another’s skills and expertise, and to continue helping families increase their resilience through wellbeing practices, beyond the tips and eBook we assembled to write in 2020

  • Reuniting - online and in person (fingers crossed for Fall 2021) with my Camp Atta Girl! friends, and recombining the tools and practices of positive psychology with Let Your Yoga Dance through retreats and new programs for young people and their parents

Together, let’s pick up the pieces, and reassemble them in new and positive ways in 2021.

Wishing you successful and Happy Reassembling New Year!


How will you reassemble in 2021? Email me at ellen@EllenFeigGray.com, Tweet me @EllenFeigGray, or post on my Facebook page.


*I’ve just learned from a Twitter hashtag that choosing #oneword2021 is “a thing”



Gratitude, Love, and Breathing through Thanksgiving

I don’t know about you, but this year I’m feeling particularly anxious about hosting Thanksgiving dinner at my house. In the past, I have happily hosted many Thanksgivings for my family and friends. In fact, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday; I really enjoy the tradition of watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in my pajamas while I prepare the turkey to go into the oven, savoring the aroma of the freshly baking apple pie, and the sweet smell of savory herbs, pine and cinnamon wafting throughout the house. I don’t mind cooking for 10, 12, 15 or even more people — to me it’s an expression of love and gratitude and an opportunity to connect with family.

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